071;; Realizations..

I really wish people would stop asking me what's wrong, or letting me know that they're around if I need to talk. The truth is... talking to anyone about my problems really doesn't do any good because no one I know can relate to them. I don't need someone to smile and nod, kindly telling me "I know. It'll get better." I just don't need that. I need to feel and know that it will get better.

The group of friends that I have aren't under the same pressures that I am as far as school goes. They're either attending school currently (very different programs) - or they just didn't go to college or finish a degree. I am enrolled in an accelerated Graphic Design program at The Art Institutes in Portland. I put way more pressure on myself than 95% of the student body because I'm determined to be the best. I want my $85,000 degree to actually be put to use.

I was forced on personal leave from my job in November because I have stretched ears and it didn't fit nicely with their dress code, despite it not actually being in their dress code. Essentially I was given the ultimatum to take my earrings out and let my ears close up or I was going to be fired for failure to comply with my dress code. This means that since November I have had no income coming in. As someone who has never really been without a job since I was 16, this has been a very hard thing for me to deal with.

I am surrounded by friends (either in person, or via facebook) who are in loving relationships with their significant others - which is fantastic! I'm so happy for all of you who get to live with your boyfriends/girlfriends... spend time together... go on dates... All the normal stuff. I, however, don't get that luxury. Five months after my boyfriend and I started dating I moved to Portland, OR to complete my BFA, while he remained in Arkansas with family to begin his college career. We got to spend so little time together before I moved because I was still attending classes online and we were still a 6.5 hour drive from each other... But I never thought I would have a friend who was so insensitive as to say. "Well not all of us can handle living half a country away from our boyfriends, and 10 minutes is a big deal to me."

Long-distance relationships are extremely hard and they have a habit of thinning your emotions like acetone to paint... but I think like in any relationship that if it's meant to work out, it will. Dalton and I are celebrating our two year anniversary in April and I couldn't imagine being happier with the guy I've chosen, or rather... the guy who chose me. I know that when we can finally be together everything will be perfect. Until then we will have our ups, downs, and a whole lot of missing each other.

I just have to learn to love pain and be patient.



xoxo,
Sara

070;; Untitled

I kept telling myself for my sanity I need to keep updating this, if for nothing else a means of small distraction... I just can't bring myself to do it. I rarely feel like anything I have to say or do is thought provoking enough to warrant taking the time to come type it out or deal with the finessing required for my OCD to publish. However, this update is more or less a documented proof of some things that I want to remind myself of...

So here it goes.

I now have a goal to get two MFA degrees once I complete my BFA in January of 2015.
Graphic Design & Photography.
With two degrees I have every confidence that I can get a job doing what I want to do in the movie industry or even in publishing as a book cover artist. I will also also have the proper critical thinking background to do higher end client work in the Graphic Design field for freelance.
Also, I will be able to teach part-time or full-time when the time comes that I will want to (and that time will come, I already can tell).

I'm attending TypeCon in Portl& (Portland) in two weeks. This is a major gathering of typography geeks gurus. I have no doubt that it will be slightly overwhelming - but at the same time I feel like this is the kind of thing I need to do in order to be successful. It's an amazing networking opportunity. Regardless of whether or not I know what the hell is going on.

I went to Newport, Oregon a couple of weekends ago and it was my first time at the beach in years. I mean YEARS. Like almost 8 years. Anyway, naturally I took my camera with me (I may upload photos later) and it felt good. I haven't had my camera with me for more than an hour or two for over a year probably; so to have it around my neck or in my bag consistently for two whole days was amazing. If getting an MFA in Photography is something that I want am going to do then I suppose I should start taking pictures again. =)



xoxo, S

069;; I fail.

Little life update...

I tell myself I'll be good at maintaining a blog - but then things just seem to happen and I get distracted. I don't really know any other way to put that. It's not that my blog isn't important to me, it's just something that always gets put on the back burner. Despite the fact that it may only take 5 minutes to update a day... that's 5 minutes I could be doing something else.

Lately I feel like I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Between work and school and trying to find an apartment within a reasonable price range and distant from where I need to be is excruciatingly harder than I thought it would be. I never once expected that I would be punished real estate wise for being a student. That is most definitely the case in Portland though. 95% of the "income restricted" properties do not allow full time students, regardless of whether or not they're working while attending school just like a non-student. I'm not really sure I agree with the way that it's run, but I'm not entirely sure that it matters whether or not I do.

Moving on...

What sparked my interest in updating my blog tonight was something that's been going on with a few of my friends here lately. Relationship catastrophe.

College can be a really trying time with creating and nurturing relationships and sometimes just having no choice but to let them fail. What drives me crazy is that people blame themselves for it. Sometimes two people just aren't good together and sometimes people just aren't ready to take that next step. I don't see the point in blaming yourself and feeling sorry for something that may or may not have been worth it in the end. If someone can't accept you or love you for you? Fuck them. That isn't your fault and it sure as hell doesn't mean anything is wrong with you. It just means you don't click with this one person. One person out of what? Seven-something-billion? If finding someone is that big of a deal you have to be willing to take the set backs with the triumphs.

 Love isn't easy for everyone to find... but when you find it - it's worth it.

068;; One down... Ten to go.

I have successfully made it through my first week of the winter term. Barely, but none the less, I made it. I was initially very excited for this term to start - but after experiencing my first class of each subject, I'm less thrilled. I'm determined to get a 4.0 this term though, so be prepared.

I'm taking...

• Professional Communication
• Digital Illustration
• Internet Concepts
• Math

I'm starting to become extremely restless in such a small place. I need to stretch out and be able to move around my residence. Even if I just end up in some tiny 350 sq. ft. studio... it's more room than this. I hate not having my own kitchen. I hate not having my own bathroom. I hate not being able to have alcohol in my fridge if that's what tickles my fancy. && most importantly I want my cats!

I think this is harder on me than it is for most because many students have a home to go back to. They brought their essentials. I had to bring pretty much what I wanted to keep. My big stuff like old artwork, excess books, and collectible items are still at my grandma's house... but as far as clothes, shoes, and other stuff.. it's all here.. shoved into one single room that has no storage options other than a closet and a dysfunctional set of drawers. I keep trying to come up with creative ways to store my stuff.. but realistically it's just not happening. I've managed to fit two bookshelves in this room, and yet I still have a box of books stored under my bed.

I think most sane people would just get rid of a lot of their stuff, or perhaps sell extra books, or donate clothes... but the reality of it is that my books are my comfort, I don't have that much to sell that I don't use, and the clothes I have are all I have.

I desperately need to try to find a job this term.. I should probably go talk to the GameStop again and actually make him call HR to verify my re-hire status. I let it go during the holidays... but now I feel obligated to help out. It's hard to live on $100/week when you have to find food elsewhere and have credit card and cable bills due every month.

I have been painting quite a bit, and hopefully will start painting more once I get settled into the quarter. Once I get more work done I will hopefully be able to start offering prints of them. Yay!

Anyway.. I just needed to vent a bit.

I'm off to finish my most recent attempt on my room.

G'night.

067;; New Years

For the first time in a really long time, I can't say I regret anything in 2012.

There have been some ups and downs for sure - but overall it's been a really great year.

Last night I got back into Portland after spending two weeks in Illinois with my family for the holidays. I am so happy to say that the visit included seeing the love of my life, even though every obstacle you could think of tried to stop that from happening.

I have never been more confident about where I am going. I feel like this year I've grown so much and I've risen above all of the tangles I had. I'm going to be stronger than ever this coming year and I'm going to stand on my feet. I can honestly say that I no longer feel like I'm made of glass.

In 2012 I...
Got a great job and lost it due to cut backs in May.
Danced with depression a bit all year.
Made things official with Dalton in April.
Started school again and changed majors in July.
Moved across the country in September.
&& Survived the blizzard Euclid 2012.
Plus, I've made so many new friends and my older friendships have gotten stronger despite the distance.

I have nothing but confidence that next year will be even better.

I hope everyone has a safe and happy new year.



xoxo Sara

066;; Officially an Oregonian...

I took a much needed break during my final weeks of moving and my first month or so here. As much as I love this blog and I love the people I've met through this intertwining network of lives... I needed to take care of me - and I think I've finally managed to do that.

I've managed to weed out the people in my life that didn't have my best interests in heart and I've managed to make some new friends who are pretty amazing and supportive; which alleviated a lot of the stress of moving here.

I've also started painting some, which is entirely new for me.

Anyway - this is just a small "I'm not dead" update. I'll make a post within the next few days of pictures along the trip out here and possibly new examples of my work.



xoxo Sara

065;; Sevenly

I have an extremely hard personality for most people to digest properly I think.
For the most part? I'm a bitch. Completely and utterly.
I have no desire to censor myself when I talk and I always speak my mind, even if it isn't the nicest thing in the world to say.
I tell you this - but I also have a confession to make.
I am a walking contradiction.
I feel bad about the slightest things, even though I pride myself on my brutal honesty.

Anyway... The original point of this post was for me to tell you guys about this amazing website called Sevenly.org!

I have a huge soft spot for helping people. My mum even says I do it too much.
However - I see absolutely no harm in looking good while supporting amazing charities on a weekly basis. None whatsoever.

Sevenly supports a new charitable organization every week with a kickass design that they use on their apparel. These are all limited runs of designs, and once that week is over... it's over. So not only are you getting major good fuzzy feelings from helping out people who are less fortunate than you, but you're going to be rocking a design that I can bet none of your friends will have. It also creates a great conversation starter to get more people aware!

I first read about this group of amazing people a few months ago when they were doing a donation week in support of Autism research. I'll admit that when I saw this design specifically I had just lost my job and didn't have the money to purchase anything, though I would have loved to. About three weeks ago though I had the thought to go check them out again... and the charity they were supporting was called All Girls Allowed. Let's just say it tugged on my heartstrings, which is evident with my two purchases from that week! Last week I also purchased a shirt in support of raising money to build classrooms in Guatemala. Every week with these new designs, for every product purchased, they donate $7 to that charity.

I have a feeling this week's charity will be pulling at my heartstrings also.

 

Make a difference.

064;; So much...

001. So much has been going on with me that I don't even know where to begin. Some things I can discuss, others I'm not really so sure about just yet. I may wait until they are public knowledge. Anyway... Here I am in Memphis once again. I couldn't sit at home staring at all of my chaos for another seven days before we pack up and go. It's causing me to lose my mind in every sense of the word. I just can't stand it.

002. I will be driving another three hours tomorrow to see my amazing boyfriend one more time before I move to Portland. I am so lucky to have found the love of my life, though I know that the next few years are going to be extremely hard... it will all be worth it in the end. It makes me feel so silly that I get butterflies every time I think about him. I need him to be closer - but until that's a legit possibility, I'll have to just make our time together count. Whether it's one night, a week, or a month together.

Unfortunately, mum informed me that Dalton & I needed to wait until at least I finish school before we get married. I really hate that she now has my tuition over my head in terms of this. I know that it would change my financial standing though, and she can't afford anything more. To her though if I am adult enough to marry, I'm adult enough to pay for my own college. Ugh.

003. I should have waited until this fall to begin classes at the Art Institutes. I absolutely cannot stand AIO. It's probably one of the worst decisions I've ever made. Dealing with the stress of moving and the stress of trying to do 12 credit hours online is just too much to handle. Mum has told me to stop making myself sick stressing out about it though. If I had to retake the classes I could, if not, great. It's such a load off of my chest.

063;; Shutting down.

A tornado apparently hit near my home tonight, less than an hour after I drove across town to my grandma's house.

I've reached my stress level cap. There's no where else for me to go at this point. I'm to the point where I can't even hide it. Several people I interacted with today informed me of how shut down I seem.
Today was the start of my moving sale and my friend Tiffany decided to come pay me a visit for a few hours. It was nice to see her, and I honestly hope I get to see her more before I move in less than 2 weeks. I can't believe it's already here... 2 weeks and I'm gone.
I finally got my room assignment today, also. I got my first choice, so I'm pretty excited. Private room with a shared bathroom in The Arthur (which is an old hotel that was revamped for the school's housing needs).

310.

That's my new home for the next 3-6 months.

I feel bad but I'm too emotionally drained and exhausted to put forth much effort into anything.
Tomorrow continues my moving sale.
Sunday is my first trial for packing the car up. I need to see how the stuff I want to take fits so I can make adjustments from there and hopefully become less stressed.

062;; Cravings...

I've got a huge, huge craving for a new tattoo.

It's actually getting a bit ridiculous. I'm so excited to get out to Portland and find new artists that can make my skin even prettier!

Something I'm really excited about though is because I'm craving new ink, I'm also drawing more. A lot of people in high school used to say I should be a tattoo artist - but that was always my best friend's thing. We'll see where life takes me.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I got to spend two days (well it was really more like 24 hours spread out) with Dalton. There is absolutely nowhere else I'd rather be than in his arms. As cheesy as that sounds, and as goofy as it makes me feel, I don't care. I've never once felt this way about a guy. Sometimes it's terrifying, but sometimes it's the best feeling in the world. Now to just convince him to accept my ideas for a Pirates of the Caribbean, Harry Potter, and Sweeney Todd wedding. Ready, set, go!
I also found out last night that I may get to see him again in 3 weeks for a weekend. If he says it's for sure, I will definitely go back down to Memphis for 3 days before I move.

Eep!

Oh, and I've recently added a new member into my family...

I will probably be posting some new work soon. I've been so busy with homework that I haven't been able to focus on making my tutorials or my own work. Screw school.

061;; I will...

Create a real blog entry soon. For serious.
Like... no joking. A real blog entry.
With substance and stuff...

I'm moving in 4 weeks.
Maybe I'll write about that?

Or my somewhat amazing two days with Dalton last week.
Maybe.

Two new online classes?
They're kind of tedious and boring.

Artist inspiration?
New work?
A photography tutorial?
Who knows...

It's a surprise!!!!

060;; Humdeedum...

Good news! Wisdom tooth war = won.
That's right. I won.
By the way, for my first tooth pull, I got spoiled. But damn that tooth was huge!

Which means... I can now enjoy my trip to Memphis (which starts tomorrow afternoon). I can't wait to see my friends Chris & Jeff. It's going to be really hard being over half a country away from them from now on! Gotta make the best of my time while I'm there, I guess. :)

Also, there's a very good chance that on Tuesday Dalton & I will be having our first "official" date that doesn't involve a video Skype call. Eep! 

I've been in the mood to draw lately. Like really badly.
I think it's because my friend Danny (airforce, stationed in Germany) and I are going to be sketchbook pals. We were close in high school and started talking again my second year in Memphis - but after his second marriage we quit talking again. So I'm really glad he suggested this little project. Speaking of... I should probably mail him the sketchbook he's to prepare for me.
...back to the drawing thing... I kind of want to do The Hunger Games or Harry Potter drawings. Nothing large scale just yet. I can't start a 18x24" drawing this soon to moving. I'd never finish it. Excuse me while I go look at the 15 unfinished large scale drawings sitting in my portfolio currently... ^.^ Hehe!

5½ weeks until I leave for Portland, Oregon. ♥

Any suggestions on stops along the way? I know we'll be passing by Denver, Colorado and Salt Lake City, Utah... but I'm honestly really uneducated on "monuments" and "sights to see" in this country. My imagination and curiosity is always elsewhere. 

 

059;; Catch-up

So... here's the deal... I'm a terrible blogger when I'm sick or don't feel well.
I'm sorry. I'll try harder, I promise.

Last Thursday (July 26th) it rained for the first time in over three months here in Marion (the last time was the first week of April, I believe). Needless to say I was out dancing in it for a good 30 minutes. My grandma even joined in the fun. It was definitely a blast, and it definitely made the day better (organizing yard sale stuff in the garage = hot).

Moving on...

My wisdom tooth has successfully rubbed a hole in the back of my cheek near my jaw hinge. In the course of a week it went from a small raw cut-like spot to an unavoidable pain in my mouth. I haven't been able to eat properly since last Sunday (which means my dinner on Wednesday for my birthday kind of sucked, aside from seeing family) and it's quite honestly driving me up a wall. Oh, and I can only fall asleep if I take at least 7.5mg of Vicodin, and then I have to make sure to not move much or I'm going to get motion sick. & let me be the first to tell you, I absolutely hate Vicodin with a passion. It's the worst thing my doctors ever prescribe me. Yes, it works... but it makes me sicker than hell. So yeah... Sara hasn't been a happy camper for the past week. Don't worry, no pictures for this one!

To top that off... I had a sunburn from last Friday (July 27th) until around Tuesday (July 31st). Four days may seem like nothing... but let me point out that the last time I had any sun exposure (enough to possibly burn) was probably in 2007. I have super fair skin and I avoid the sun like the plague unless I have SPF 100 sunscreen. I didn't.

Luckily, my yard sale on Saturday was a huge success for being a last-minute-quickie. Strangely enough we actually did more business on Friday while we were setting up, in my opinion. That could be just because I wasn't expecting them though. I still have a lot of books to sell, but I feel that we did a good amount of business on Saturday, as well. Most major furniture pieces have been sold, all that's left is my desk & chair, the bookshelves, and my couch. Anyone like Stephen King? ;)

Anyway - that's all for now, lovelies.

I will try to be back on schedule this coming week, but we will see how the tooth and I are faring.

The following week, August 13th - 17th, I will be in Memphis, TN to spend time with my friends before my move. I will still update, but they will probably be short & sweet until I get home on the 17th (stupid eye doctor appointment...).

058;; It's occured to me...

I've become a terrible blogger over the past two weeks.
I've had so much shit going on that I just haven't been able to find the time to log on. I still check up on people's blogs by my phone, but it's not quite the same!

Blog entries coming soon:
My yard sale!
My birthday! (It's tomorrow!!!!)
Wisdom tooth blues.
Artist Inspiration.
Photo/camera tutorials! (This is for you, ladies!)

057;; Tutorials?

I have a thought.

That thought is to help you. (Well maybe not you, but definitely you!)

I'm thinking of doing camera/photography tutorials. Yes, I intend for you to actually take your camera off of it's lovely "automatic" setting and learn how to use it to the full extent of it's pretty little self!

Just a few? Maybe. Who knows.

I'll continue to ponder this idea. Let me know your thoughts on the subject.

056;; 23 in twenty-three

The beautiful Erin @ LIY is doing a link-up && since I'm a total sucker for making lists that I can't seem to follow... let's do another one! Luckily, this is a small enough list that most it should be obtainable. I'm kind of lying with this post though... since I technically won't be 23 until August 1st - but that's only 8 days away, so I'm going with that. ♥

P.S. - I should so be doing homework right now. Shame on you, Erin.
P.P.S. - I did snatch some of these off of my 101 in 1001 list, but that's okay. I won't tell if you don't.

01. Make a new friend.

02. Get a job.

03. Use public transit. (hey, did you know I sold my car? No choice once in Portland!)

04. Clean out my closet(s).

05. Visit Seattle, Washington.

06. See a lightouse.

07. Go whale watching @ Depoe Bay, Oregon.

08. Document my trip to Portland, Oregon with pictures and postcards picked up along the way!

09. Get rid of 100 things.

10. Drink only water for one week.

11. Go down to SoCal to see a few very amazing friends. Train is preferred method of travel, though I will tolerate a plane, also.

12. Visit at least 3 of the top 10 aquariums in the country (Ripley's Believe It or Not Aquarium coming in two short weeks!)

c/o

13. Go visit && photograph a glacier.

14. Read more books. I've been slacking lately.

15. Print out at least 10 of my recent art pieces to update my physical portfolio. (They make excellent decoration, too.)

16. Learn how to cook more things, rather than the like... 5 recipes that I've borrowed and fallen in love with from Sam @ ReddyorKnot.

17. Swim in the ocean.

 

photo c/o me

 18. Visit SeaWorld San Diego!

19. Enter more art competitions. (Art of Photography 2012 ✓)

20. Move to a new apartment after spending a few months in the dorms at AI Portland.

21. Try a DiY project off of pinterest, rather than just oogle over it. (Thanks for reminding me, Erin.)

c/o

22. Go to a movie. At the theatre. (I think the last one I went to go see was the last Pirates of the Caribbean.)

23. Spend more time with Dalton.



So there you have it. There's my list of 23 in 23. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself when a lot of these are taken care of by the end of September!

& now shoo! Go check out Erin's 26 in 26 post. 

055;; My thoughts right now.

Today would normally be my project52 post - but I'll do that tomorrow along with a recap from last week, also. 

I didn't write any specific post about the tragic Colorado shootings that happened on 7/20/12 because I really didn't know how to write a post about that. It didn't personally affect me, but at the same time it did. I didn't know any of the victims. I've honestly never even heard of Aurora, Colorado before it happened. Yet at the same time, I am utterly heartbroken at the event none the less. It hasn't really altered my day-to-day life, but I still think about it. I don't give the human race much credit because I honestly believe we've just turned into destructive beings, so things that happen like this don't surprise me, but I'm no less sympathetic towards the victims. It comes down to James Holmes being a very, very sick person  & he became a terrorist the moment he began planning to open fire on innocents. There's no question about that.

I have no time for terrorists. I don't care what possessed them to do what they did. All I care about is that they never, ever get the chance to do it again.

What sparked this post wasn't that I decided to chime in on the Aurora shootings... it was that today I was pleasantly surprised, and that doesn't seem to happen too often anymore.

Christian Bale responded to the requests to go visit the victim's of the shootings in Aurora, CO today. I'm really glad that he didn't go dressed up as Batman though. I honestly think that after the terrorist dressed up as the Joker, seeing another "superhero" costume might be pretty traumatizing.

 

photo courtesy of AMC Theaters (linked to their facebook).

"The movie theatre is my home, and the idea that someone would violate that innocent and hopeful place in such an unbearably savage way is devastating to me. Nothing any of us can say could ever adequately express our feelings for the innocent victims of this appalling crime, but our thoughts are with them and their families."  - Christopher Nolan

Oh, and I will be purchasing one of these shirts as soon as I get some money (hopefully this weekend) that ComicsPriceGuide.com is doing to raise money. They teamed up with artist Jeff Leiboff and are donating 100% of the proceeds to the cause. Go them!

I'm done ranting now. Thanks for listening. ♥

054;; Artist Inspiration - Federico Bebber

I recently became slightly intrigued obsessed with Federico Bebber's work.
It's pretty different from what I would normally think I would like - but his use of textures is beyond amazing in my opinion. Definitely a darker artist && it definitely makes me smile at the macabre of things again - but there's so much beauty in his work, too.
Things that seem to simple to create I can't even imagine trying to put together. Piecing textures just perfectly, adjusting the lighting enough, and his compositions make me swoon.

He is a big part of my recent smoke fascination. Blame him. Go ahead.

See more of Federico's work here:

facebook | behance

Sometimes I feel like I overthink which artist I should and should not post on my blog as inspiration, but then I realize that the chances of people that like the things I do all the time are very slim. I can hide it all I want, but dark & macabre things do fascinate and inspire me. They always have. So I am going to continue to post inspirations to me personally, rather than trying to appeal to a certain group of followers. I'm sorry if that's offensive to anyone. ♥

053;; What's wrong?

Everything seems to be taking a turn for the worse this week. I have had no motivation to do anything. At all.
I missed a couple of homework assignments. I've missed a weeks worth of blogging (I know, I'm awful). I haven't created a single thing, either.

The weather here is truly unbearable. Mother Nature is being a true tease and a half, as well. For almost an entire week straight there was a 30%-50% chance of rain daily. It rained everywhere but here. I absolutely hate the summer in the first place, and this really isn't making it any better. For the first time though I want to go outside. Primarily because I can't, I'm sure. I can't remember a day that wasn't 100 degrees outside, with at least 40% humidity.

I would give almost anything for the Art Institute of Portland to have processed my transcripts a month sooner. If they had? I would have packed a car up and driven out there to start campus classes last week, instead of online classes.

I want to leave and be somewhere anywhere else.

052;; Sorry!

I'm sorry for the lack of posting lately (I know, it's only been two days) - I'm a horrible blogger. I have a good reason though! I promise.

Okay, maybe not. Either way, my reason is that I'm just tired and stressed out. I'm really trying to have a more positive outlook on everything lately, and that's been hard the past two days. Especially since almost every morning since Saturday (we're talking 3am morning) I've been waking up in pain and just sick to my stomach. This morning was the first time it didn't happen, so hopefully whatever it was is gone. Hopefully.

Yesterday I sold my car. It's really strange how we get so attached to vehicles. During the time that we own them it's a constant, "I really wish I had __________ instead." But as soon as we part ourselves, "I'm going to miss that car so much." Oh well. I have no need for it in Portland - and that's getting closer and closer (2 months!) so I figure it was better to sell it now where I got close to my original asking price.

Since I've been pseudo-absent lately though... here's a little picture recap. =)

sketch // my car // pretty skies // alligator getting fat // quote // why I quit film photography