017;; Perfectionist, or...?

Is it strange that I don't feel the need to title my posts all the time? Sometimes I just don't think one title sums everything up 100%. Oh well. Okay, okay. I titled it.

Vanity moment:

Ever since I got laid off from work I have been feeling pretty down, it's definitely no secret. The first few weeks were the hardest. I mean... they sucked. I'd never been fired laid off before. I hated feeling so worthless and helpless even. What was I supposed to do? I've never been one to keep a lot of food in my house (or any, for that matter). Every bit of the money I wasn't using for bills/living expenses was going into my savings account to move this fall (eep!) and I knew I couldn't touch it; so what was I supposed to do? It just wasn't a good feeling, and I honestly hope I never really feel that way again. I cried for days, I barely ate for two weeks. I refused to let my grandparents help (who had also been laid off by the same company. Swell folks, eh?) - so I was stuck in some limbo of blah. 

Eventually I noticed though that it wasn't the end of the world. I'm much less stressed out of that company, not going into work every day wondering who was getting fired (because it's seriously a weekly occurrence there) or if I'd even have a job soon. It just wasn't a healthy environment anyway.

Irregardless... the point is... ever since I got laid off I haven't felt like doing anything. Maybe I'm still a bit depressed over the situation, or maybe I'm just not doing things because I don't have to? I'm not sure. I've been concentrating on filling out scholarship forms, cleaning up my mom's house, and taking care of me. Making me happy has become my #1 goal these days. I put myself down and to the side too often. I'm tired of it. So today (at like.. 5pm) I decided I was sick of sitting in my lounge clothes doing nothing, took a shower, put on makeup, and went for a drive. It was nice to just get out of the house. I didn't really have anywhere to go (though I'd love to make a certain road trip to Arkansas).

I've spent the last several days trying to figure out why I'm so down on myself. I mean, I really am. I always have been. I never think I'm pretty enough or smart enough or talented enough. I think my artwork sucks and I don't deserve to go to school or get paid for any of my services. What kind of attitude is that? I know they say you're the world's worst critic when it comes to yourself and your work, but sometimes it crosses a loathing point and is unhealthy. I got yelled at by my admissions representative in Portland, Oregon over saying that my artwork wasn't good enough. I've always been a perfectionist when it came to my art (and everything else for that matter) - and I'm realizing that it's hurting me more than it's helping me now. 

I am talented. I just have to keep reminding myself that.

On a less depressing, parting note...

Meet my baby!